Monday, July 23, 2012

Coping With Other People's Expectations

Why is it that other people always seem to either think you can do more than you actually can, or they think you can't do as much as you actually can?  Why don't they just see you as you really are? 

Do the ones who won't accept your limitations just not want to deal with the fact that you need more help than they are able to give?

Do the ones who add to your limitations with what they think should be your limitations do this out of guilt or out of needing to feel needed?

I don't have the answers.  What I do know is that I would just like it if people would accept me as I am, help me when I need help, and let me do the things I can do without trying to take that away from me.  But I also see that it can be a fine line here.  Those who feel I can do more than I can may think they are being encouraging and helping to push me to improve but not seeing that they may be pushing too hard.  Some may also just not see the limitations at all because they want to think of me as being the strong woman I always used to be.  Then those who take pity on me and want to help with everything whether I need the help or not, or worse, want to help with things I don't need help for but not help with things that I do need help with can hurt me too.  It makes trying to deal with my issues even more difficult when I have to also deal with how they respond to me.  No matter which way they see me, how they respond to me can be a real setback to helping me improve.

I wish it were easier to make people understand.  But all I can do is work on myself and just hope that they come to know what I can and can't do, for now.  Maybe down the road I will improve more.  Maybe I won't.  But for today, I am what I am.  I just want them to know that and accept me as I am.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Some Days...

Some days I would just like to tell everyone I know that until they've lived my life and walked in my shoes, to just back off and stop judging me.  

Some days I would like to be doing all the things I used to be able to do and now either cannot do them for either physical or financial reasons.  

Some days I would just like to shut off that tape in my head that plays over and over again whenever I say I can't do something that "Can't never did anything."  Because maybe one day I will be able to do it...but just not some days.

Some days I love to dream.

Some days I love to make plans and set goals, small and large.

Some days it feels like breaking down these walls of problems will never happen.

Some days I get tired of trying to learn new ways to cope or new ways of doing things I used to do so easily.

Some days I want to get in the car and drive.  I don't care where I am going as long as I am going.  Then I remember I don't have a car.

Some days I want to share how I feel with my friends and family and have them just listen for a change instead of criticizing or judging or giving unwanted advice.  We all need someone to just listen and give us a hug now and then.

Some days all I need is a hug or two.  I haven't been hugged by another adult in so long I can't remember.

Some days hugs from grandchildren are wonderful.  Some days I need more than that.  

Some days I just need to be away from everyone and everything and just enjoy some peace, quiet, and solitude.

Some days peace, quiet, and solitude is overwhelming and I need someone to talk to, go somewhere with, play games with, or dance with.  I think I can dance, but it's been so long and I've been through so much, I am not sure if I know how or if my body can handle it anymore.

Some days I wish I could go out with friends and have some fun again.  It's been far too long.  I wish I knew who my friends were...and where they were.

Some days I just want to be able to tell someone all these things and know that they understand. 

Some days life is just too hard and all I want to do is go to sleep for awhile.

Some days I want to play and laugh and have fun.

Some days I wish people understood that invisible illness means that you can't always see when someone is sick or is not feeling well or is in pain.

Some days I wish people understood that I mask my feelings very well and don't allow anyone to see how I am really feeling physically or emotionally.

Some days I feel really blessed.

Some days I feel really depressed.

Some days I can accomplish something I haven't been able to do in a long time and it makes me feel good.

Some days things I want to do but find it to be something I can no longer do make me feel useless.

Some days I wish people would realize that I've changed and my life has changed and that I did not ask for this.  

Some days I wish people would not assume that I can do more than I have the strength or energy to do just because they wish it so.  

Some days I feel like I should be able to do things I used to do and when I try it, I end up crying because it didn't work and no one even knows or seems to care.

Some days I can't even accept my limitations and I get very frustrated because I want so much to do more.

Some days being alone is more than I can deal with but knowing that others in my life don't understand makes me feel even more alone.

Some days I feel like all of the above all in one day.

Some days the pain hurts so badly that all I do is cry, and nobody knows this about me except for God.

Some days I wish I had a really good human friend who understood all this stuff and wanted to spend time with me anyway.

Some days I write things like this because it's the only way I can get it all out.  But I don't know if anyone is listening...or if they truly care if they are listening.  

Some days I wish someone would really hear me.  I don't think I've ever really been heard.  I thank God because I know He hears me.