Thursday, March 15, 2012

Some Days...

Some days I would just like to tell everyone I know that until they've lived my life and walked in my shoes, to just back off and stop judging me.  

Some days I would like to be doing all the things I used to be able to do and now either cannot do them for either physical or financial reasons.  

Some days I would just like to shut off that tape in my head that plays over and over again whenever I say I can't do something that "Can't never did anything."  Because maybe one day I will be able to do it...but just not some days.

Some days I love to dream.

Some days I love to make plans and set goals, small and large.

Some days it feels like breaking down these walls of problems will never happen.

Some days I get tired of trying to learn new ways to cope or new ways of doing things I used to do so easily.

Some days I want to get in the car and drive.  I don't care where I am going as long as I am going.  Then I remember I don't have a car.

Some days I want to share how I feel with my friends and family and have them just listen for a change instead of criticizing or judging or giving unwanted advice.  We all need someone to just listen and give us a hug now and then.

Some days all I need is a hug or two.  I haven't been hugged by another adult in so long I can't remember.

Some days hugs from grandchildren are wonderful.  Some days I need more than that.  

Some days I just need to be away from everyone and everything and just enjoy some peace, quiet, and solitude.

Some days peace, quiet, and solitude is overwhelming and I need someone to talk to, go somewhere with, play games with, or dance with.  I think I can dance, but it's been so long and I've been through so much, I am not sure if I know how or if my body can handle it anymore.

Some days I wish I could go out with friends and have some fun again.  It's been far too long.  I wish I knew who my friends were...and where they were.

Some days I just want to be able to tell someone all these things and know that they understand. 

Some days life is just too hard and all I want to do is go to sleep for awhile.

Some days I want to play and laugh and have fun.

Some days I wish people understood that invisible illness means that you can't always see when someone is sick or is not feeling well or is in pain.

Some days I wish people understood that I mask my feelings very well and don't allow anyone to see how I am really feeling physically or emotionally.

Some days I feel really blessed.

Some days I feel really depressed.

Some days I can accomplish something I haven't been able to do in a long time and it makes me feel good.

Some days things I want to do but find it to be something I can no longer do make me feel useless.

Some days I wish people would realize that I've changed and my life has changed and that I did not ask for this.  

Some days I wish people would not assume that I can do more than I have the strength or energy to do just because they wish it so.  

Some days I feel like I should be able to do things I used to do and when I try it, I end up crying because it didn't work and no one even knows or seems to care.

Some days I can't even accept my limitations and I get very frustrated because I want so much to do more.

Some days being alone is more than I can deal with but knowing that others in my life don't understand makes me feel even more alone.

Some days I feel like all of the above all in one day.

Some days the pain hurts so badly that all I do is cry, and nobody knows this about me except for God.

Some days I wish I had a really good human friend who understood all this stuff and wanted to spend time with me anyway.

Some days I write things like this because it's the only way I can get it all out.  But I don't know if anyone is listening...or if they truly care if they are listening.  

Some days I wish someone would really hear me.  I don't think I've ever really been heard.  I thank God because I know He hears me.

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